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Well, folks, it’s me, Murdoc Niccals, back once again to spew forth some abstract thoughts out of that mucky little dumpster I call my mind. Blogging. It’s just like chucking words into a furnace, isn’t it? Someone’s got to do it... I guess.

So anyway, back in my see-through Plastic Beach booth after last week’s ‘Gaga-based’ posting and what’s on the radar this week? In this inane world of pointless, soul-draining issues…What little news item can I pick up on, magnify to an unfeasible degree and then pass off as genuine news commentary? Those all important opinions ain’t going to write themselves are they? Got to sell them broadsheets, or else we’re all scuppered! So let’s have a look....

(rattles newspaper, puts on pair of specs to make self look brainy and intellectual)

Right. *sigh*...I’ll tell you something. It’s hard to get a decent signal on this Plastic Beach. And the newspapers are always late. Always. I don’t where I am half the time. And as you know, you can’t always trust what you read on the Internet, now can you?

But all that aside, it’s come into my view, checking the news and stuff, I hear that this week, hoary old British denim-clad rockers ‘Status Quo’ were handed OBE’s, awarded by the very Queen of England. The Queen of England herself, eh? This sounds important….

Now, what O.B.E. stands for is Order of The British Empire, an order of chivalry. A mark of achievement for chivalry, as recognised by the British realm.

I don’t really know where to start here. Now I’m prepared to offer many descriptions and accolades to rock bands, but chivalry and decorations from the Establishment isn’t one really of them….is it? Mmmmmm...Wait a sec...I’ve just got to have a quick top up of... rum...mmmm....(cough)....

Mmm...where we’re we...Oh yeah...Status Quo. O.B.E.’s ....

So, Status Quo, by their own admission have spent years touring the world off their trolleys on Bolivian Marching Powder to the point where Francis Rossi’s nose once fell off. That’s true! And they’ve been particularly up front about the fact that they’ve spent many, many, many, many evenings on tour shacked up in hotels, watching saucy videos while pleasuring themselves in each other’s company. Which is all fine and dandy as long as no-one gets hurt. Right? “Whatever you want.....whatever you like...”

But really? An O.B.E? Each? For all that? I don’t think so. Other than all that stuff, it seems to be just 42 years of chucking out 3 chord ‘chugging’ rrrrrrrrrock n’roll dirges. Songs to be played at weddings and DIY adverts n’stuff. High octane stuff....

But ultimately, my point here isn’t really anything to do with Status Quo or rock bands or anything like that. It’s more about one redundant institution recognizing and decorating another…

The fact of the matter is the British Royalty is an antiquated and outdated institution that servers little or no purpose. They only have one function. To offer up some tight-lipped notion of dignity, respect and some kind of …I don’t know…. to be ambassadors and representatives of Britain, or something..... An old fashioned notion of respectability. And that’s it. That all they have to do. And they can’t seem to manage even that...Useless.

It’s an unnecessary position and one in which they, and they’re gonky kids, are paid extremely well for, with land, titles and privileges being handed down generation to generation regardless of the competence of their DNA.

The day when the ruling of the country was decided by the Royals are long since gone. The Government and House of Commons took on that role, a long while ago, and seem to manage that job with the same efficiency that the Keystone Kops solve crimes (Google it kids...it might even be a bit before my time...)

So, right, when the Royal mirage shimmers, and the illusion drops it kind of galls ‘one’ to play along with the farce. I mean the final nail in the coffin of respectability was probably hammered in a long time ago when the Royal Family appeared on ‘It’s a Royal Knockout’, bumping in to each other while being hosed down by water cannons on bouncy castles. Is that really what these guys are being paid? Is this where we’re at? That’s the elite...? The ‘Upper’ ‘Classes’?!
‘Royalty on Ice’?

All up to date now with ‘fancy dress’ scandals, various butler scandals and the terribly, mawkish saccharine out-pourings of things like Paul Burrell. Diana’s ‘Rock’…Yeeeesh. It just makes one want to puke.....

And now this. I mean what is the point? Why are these lot still in possession these massive mansion castles, with acres and acres and acres of land, if they continue to make displays of strange, redundant taste by lobbing out O.B.E.’s to plod rockers like Status Quo? For the sake of this article I’m absolutely mystified.

Mmmmmm...Wait a sec...I’ve just got to have a quick top up of... rum...mmmm....(cough)....Mmm...where we’re we...Oh yeah...Status Quo. O.B.E.’s ....

Anyway. All I’m saying is everyone knows that it’s a farcical institution, a ridiculous veneer, and a ludicrous pretence of respectability. It should be simple. That’s all it’s got to be. A game of pretence. But I’m not going to play along with your stupid game, if you’re giving OBE’s out to Status Quo. It’s that simple. If you’re not even playing the stupid game properly, then neither am I. You’re just mucking about. Heritage and all that but it just seems, well…silly.

Hang on...I think something I swallowed half n’ hour ago is kicking in. I feel a bit rushy....let’s speed this up......

Maybe it’s just these awards in general. Maybe they’ve run out of people to award them to. The award ceremonies must go on, like death and taxes of course, and therefore you need nominees and entrants and people who’ll turn up. They only give out awards nowadays to people who they know will show up to the event. Oscars, The Baftas…all of them. It’s an event that needs a guest list, so what better to make sure to get these people there than chuck an award at them….Simple.

But then we get awards for...what?

Mmmmm ....I’ve just noticed Robbie Williams is collecting a Brit award for ‘Outstanding Contribution to Music.’ Really? Even by his own admission he seems to recognise that it seems a bit early in the ol’ career and out of sync with reality, when he’s been put up alongside your Bowies and McCartney’s and all of that lot…He knows it’s silly and I think deep down it’s probably one of the things that keeps him up at night....

But at least Robbie Williams has got the grace and awareness to be haunted by the realisation that between him and those others there does seem to lie a fair ol’ distance……A vast chasm in fact, but who’s measuring?

My hearts going like the clappers. Thinkkk igot a perky one in that batch .,..sd6^^4£”sda....asa$£5....I’m going round in circles now…..Anyway, ( *deep breathe*) It’s not a big one. (0*...I’ve got to wrap this up.0)

But y’know if you’re going to be giving out awards, all I’m saying is if the O.B.E., The Order of The British Empire, can go to a bunch of naughty old rockers, then maybe it’s time to stop doing those awards. They seem just a bit pointless....

Right. I’m done. Can’t even remember what I was trying to say now. So, I’m cranking up the Holst. My big stack of ‘Razzle’ has arrived, I’ve just cracked open 12 litre bottle of Grey Goose and the mescaline’s kicking in nicely…Who knows, at this rate, I should be up for a knighthood if I keep all this rubbish up…..

‘Sir Murdoc Niccals’, eh? Sounds quite snazzy, doesn’t it? Mmmmmmm.

Yours sincerely

Concerned of Plastic Beach

xxxx